When it rains…

Two days ago, I found out my company that I work for was bought out.

We had known for some time that this could have happened, but like anything else, we thought we were immortal. We thought that life would continue and we would never really see this day.

But we did.

The new company that will own us in a month is a competing company in town. They have wanted our client list for years. However, a deal was struck that would see most us go to the new company. We met with the new owner. He seems like a nice guy, but something in his mannerisms tells me that he’s ready to dump us all when he’s finished with us. Many of us are expendable, myself included, methinks.

It’s been pretty stressful these last several days, not knowing which way is up. I’ve decided to go and look at another company, someone who’s wanted me for a while. But, as we know, nothing is written in stone. All of this compounded with stress at home, trying to get our bills paid and my relationship with my wife back on track, well, it hasn’t been easy. I think my wife, deep down, would like to consider life on her own again. I can read it in her body language, in the way that she speaks with me. It’s disheartening, but I’m preparing for the worst.

I guess we’ll see what the next several weeks brings to us.

Disenfranchised

At some point in one’s life, they come to this place where it seems like nothing really matters, where life has ceased to be interesting.

I may have reached that milestone.

Call it an early mid-life crisis, if you will, but I think I need something to really shake things up again. Or perhaps I never really got off the train in the first place. The last several years have been tumultuous, to be sure. Life has been up and down. But, in my own mind, I feel like I’ve settled now, almost crash-landed, onto this deserted plane of existence. I’ve put my mask on again and I’m wandering aimlessly throughout the barren landscape, not letting anyone know how I truly feel.

Part of my life is lived online. I converse and engage with people on Facebook and Twitter and here at my blog. My blog is fine, because I can dump out my feelings without much repercussions. It’s expected of me. However, it seems like everyone else out these, religious or not, can be who they are, yet I have to walk in the shadows. The moment I say what I think, what I truly think and not just beat around the bush and wax philosophical, I get marginalized.

Perhaps I’m just scared to offend people. But I want want nothing more than to change my Facebook status to: “God’s dead. Get over it.”, and damn the consequences and fallout. That’s my opinion. I’m entitled to it and I’m tired of hiding it. I’ve been wearing this mask and playing this game far too long.

I hate hiding in the closet.

Dreams

When I was a kid, I would get strange dreams. My nightmares were usually apocalyptic. I was generally scared of them and as a christian, growing up and in my adult life, I was taught that dream were significant and that god was speaking to me. My wife would still tell me the same thing.

However, over the years, I have grown, matured, and I realize that dreams are nothing more than our minds going full speed without the filters on. They are our hopes and dreams, wants and desires, on display for us to see. The things that we worry about, the people that we love; these are the subjects of our dreams. I have come to understand that my dreams are a great a way to confirm how I’m feeling about certain things that are happening in my life.

Over the last several nights I have been having the strangest dreams. The first that I remember was that I was that I had joined a gang that my brother was with. In the dream I remember that someone had put a hit out on us and I was trying to make sure that I wasn’t going to get killed. Dreams like this don’t scare me much anymore, in fact, they’re quite entertaining.

However, last night I had a very unsettling dream. As far as I could tell, my wife and I had planned on attending a function that was affiliated with the theatre company that I have been working with. But we had an argument about it, a bad one, and I walked away. In my dream, I wanted nothing more to do with her and was ready to give it all up and go my own way.

You see, theatre has been a big part of my life, even before my wife and I met. In fact, the first time she saw me was on stage. It was my first love and it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I can’t not be involved with theatre. I go squirelly, I become agitated and just plain annoying. This last show, The Fantasticks, was a real eye-opener for me. I realized that it’s what I’ve always wanted, what I will always want. And I did it, in spite of what my wife wanted, it almost destroyed my marriage. And yet, it was one of the most liberating experiences I’ve ever had. How do I reconcile that with my relationship with my wife and family? Where do I go from here? I can’t just sit down and forget it happened.

Fortunately, my wife took on a show of her own with another theatre company. She’s the stage manager for a local production of The Sound of Music. When she married me, she got involved with theatre as well. She’s good, damn good at what she does back stage. I was hoping that this experience would show her that when the theatre itch comes, you scratch. And to some extent, I think she has. But as these last several weeks have passed, I have noticed the old habits again. We seem to be drifting apart. It could simply be that she is focused on the play so I guess I just have to wait to see what happens when it’s done. But in the language with which we speak with each other and our attitudes towards each other, I’m not holding my breath.

It’s a strange thing, this thing called marriage.

Family

I’ve been thinking a lot about family these days, what with my troubles over the last several years with my own immediate connections.

So, what is family? Why is it important to us? What benefit do we get from it? As I look at my own family, I realize that, despite all the pain I have received, and dealt, I know that I would never abandon my family. That doesn’t mean, however that I would ever take abuse from them. I am smarter than that. But I would always support and love them. But where does that come from. Why, as a society, do we place do much of our time and energy into this construct we call family? Why do some members of the animal kingdom abandon their young to the dangers of the world, and we, human beings care for and love our young so much?

It’s puzzling to me and I don’t really have any answers. I would love to know your thoughts on the subject.

An Update

Wow, it’s been some time since I’ve blogged. Since then I’ve finished a show which was a huge success, one of the best I’ve had a chance to work on. And now I’ve been on vacation. It’s our last day at Grandma’s place and we’ll be headed home tonight.

I discovered this week that I need glasses, something that I didn’t really expect. It sort of crept up on me. I started having trouble reading street signs and such so I went to get checked out. It also turns out that I might have glaucoma in my future. The optometrist was concerned about a spot in my eye, so that’s something I need to look at in a couple of years. Anyways, if you’re in the market for glasses or contacts, I highly recommend www.clearlycontacts.ca. It’s a fraction of the cost and they provide the same quality as brick and mortar stores.

Anyways, not much else to discuss. My wife and I have ups and downs, good days and bad. But I’m hoping things can pan out. I’m pondering a lot about my professional future these days, so I might talk a little about that soon.

Take care.